


Hand Pies and Wedding Cakes

by swtalmnd



Series: Project Monster [6]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Creatures & Monsters, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Food Porn, M/M, Monsterfucking, Smut, Wedding Planning, but no wedding, that's right Q finally gets the monster D from Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:54:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23366539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swtalmnd/pseuds/swtalmnd
Summary: Bond bribes Q with something he's been asking for* to help him make hand pies. Andy volunteers. Then, later, they go taste wedding cakes, having accepted that they have to submit to some kind of party.*Monsterfucking. That's the something. It's monsterfucking.
Relationships: James Bond/Q
Series: Project Monster [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/447223
Comments: 74
Kudos: 255





	Hand Pies and Wedding Cakes

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Dr. QT for cheerreading, and wynnesome for the beta!
> 
> I began this with the intention of writing something short and simple to add to the plot of Project Monster. This is not short and contains zero plot, so, uh, good job me.

"Now, I know you're not really interested in cooking," said Bond, sidling up to where Q was making a pot of tea, "but I was hoping you'd help me make hand pies."

"What sort of helping?" asked Q, nuzzling for a kiss. "And what's my reward?"

Bond chuckled and bit gently at his shoulder, teeth blunt and human. "I'd like you to roll out the dough while I make the savoury filling, and put the fruit in the sweet ones."

"Yumyums helping?" said Andy, clambering up Q's leg to peer at them both. "I c'n help."

Q laughed. "Yes, all right. But I demand a reward other than hand pies." He stroked Andy's soft fur, kissing the little monster on its head. It was nearly chubby now, its fur thick and warm, its belly soft and round, so very different from the terrified shadow it had been all those months ago. "As long as Andy helps, too."

"Andy can help with the fruit filling," said Bond, nibbling on Q's ear. "And I'll give you that treat you've been asking for if you help."

Q shivered; he'd asked ages ago for his monster to make love to him in his full form, but Bond had demurred, discomfited by the idea of it. "I assume you mean the bed thing, not the marriage thing," he teased. They'd also not made time to get their proper paperwork in order, let alone plan a wedding.

"I do, but we'll work on the other soon, too. I've got yet more mandatory leave." James nibbled along Q's long neck, teeth just a little sharper now, voice a little more monstrous. "We can mate and marry both."

"We can't marry next week," said Q, shutting off the timer and taking out the basket of tea leaves. He turned in Bond's arms and stole another kiss. "Moneypenny would murder us both in our sleep if we tried to avoid throwing a party."

Bond snorted a laugh and kissed him again properly, back to fully human. "Yes, okay. We'll have everyone over for tea tomorrow and let them start planning the wedding. Which will be small by necessity."

Q nuzzled him and nodded. "Tomorrow. Mating tonight," he teased, and then sighed exaggeratedly. "And hand pies."

Bond chuckled and, after a few more kisses, finally let him pour a cup of tea.

* * *

Rather than an apron, Q changed into one of his old, work-stained t-shirts for their cooking lesson. Or assembly line. Whatever it was. He washed up enough to be going on with and rejoined his monsters in the kitchen.

"I've already got the tea brewing," said Bond, looking so happy to have Q helping that all of his reluctance melted away. "Andy's washing up."

The eye-spy was splashing happily in the sink, making sure all of its six hands were clean up to the arms and washing its fuzzy face, as well. "Cleans for yumyums! Ihelps!" it trilled, clearly far more excited to be involved in the cooking process than Q was.

"You may have a new assistant after this," said Q teasingly, accepting kisses as his due.

Bond shrugged, snuggling up to Q shamelessly, his body big and solid as it wrapped possessively around him. "I wouldn't mind. It's my flying monkey, too, after all."

Q hummed in agreement and enjoyed the closeness until the timer went off for the tea, and then made it his duty to pour everyone cups, though Andy got juice in its new sippy cup instead of tea. Only one of Q's monsters liked caffeine, it turned out, and Bond had made a habit of using his juicer for breakfast, plus enough for Andy to have as a treat all day. Q had modified the sippy cup to pour a stream of juice into its mouth the same way it drank water from the faucet, and it looked like he'd need to make a few more soon.

Bond cuddled back up with his tea and said, "The dough's already made and chilling in the fridge. I've laid out a template for you here; you'll use the small one," he said, tapping the silicone baking mat with sized circles printed neatly on it. "And I put the rolling pin rings on, so there's no recipes or cooking involved, just making the crusts to size."

Q chuckled. "Thank you, love. I'm happy to be helping, honest, but it's good you know where my strengths lie." Simple, precision work was exactly in Q's wheelhouse, at least once he got used to the materials at hand. "Do I need gloves or anything?"

Bond shook his head. "Not unless your hands get a lot warmer than usual," he said, lifting them up and kissing Q's perpetually cold fingers. "You'll lay the circles onto these sheets for Andy, who will arrange fruit for me."

"I's is helper," trilled Andy, eyes half-lidded with pleasure. "Goodhelp."

"Good pet," said Q, reaching out to stroke its damp head and ruffle the fur. "We'll enjoy the treats once they're done." He dropped a kiss right between its ears.

"Ugh, mouthpets," it said, unable to hide its giant grin.

"I'm making a lot," warned Bond. "I want to stock up the freezer for later, plus we'll have a full meal of them today."

"All right, so, fruit... I see sliced strawberries, peaches, some blueberries, anything else?" asked Q, looking at the dishes Bond had set out on the table with the two readied cookie sheets. "Is that all that goes in those?"

"I'm making a honey sauce to drizzle onto the fruit before they get closed up," said Bond proudly. "And some of them will have a sweetened mascarpone."

"You know the way to my heart," said Q with a sheepish grin. "And the savoury ones?"

"Vegetarian," said Bond. "Peas, potatoes, carrots, onions, and a spice mix I know you like. The filling goes in cooked like a samosa instead of raw like a Cornish pasty."

"Acceptable," said Q, stealing a kiss. "Half and half?"

Bond chuckled. "Two-thirds sweet," he said. "I have met you."

"Fruit and honey are very healthy," Q replied, giving Bond a wink. 

"But tea before all," said Bond, saluting with his cup and taking a sip. Q followed suit, drinking happily and leaning into one monster while the other clung to him and drank its juice. They were quiet for a few minutes, enjoying the closeness, and for once Q finished first and carefully washed his hands in cool water. Bond followed suit, handing off the first plastic-wrapped lump of dough for Q to start with.

Once the dough warmed enough to be workable, Q had no problem getting half a dozen discs out of it. Bond showed Andy how much space to fill, and then moved to the stove, where there were things already cooking away. Soft music filled the space, and the conversation was just as quiet, directions and questions murmured as they moved around each other.

Bond came over when the first sheet was full and approved of their work, drizzling on his divine-smelling honey sauce. "Now, to close them up, you brush egg wash here all the way around, then firmly press with a fork. Then Andy can slice vents, you brush the tops with egg wash, and it can sprinkle on the fancy sugar."

There was a big bowl of raw sugar to one side just waiting to adorn their pies, and a pastry brush shaped like a little man with bristles for hair standing next to the egg wash. 

Q chuckled, amused, when Andy brandished the tiny, sharp knife Bond had found and cleaned for it. "Icut!" it said fiercely, growling.

"Only food," said Bond. "That's your clean knife."

"Clean knife, only yumyums," promised Andy, which made Q decide immediately he didn't want to know if Bond had been teaching their pet to knife fight.

Instead, Q got to work brushing on egg, folding and crimping dough, and occasionally smooching Andy so it didn't get too bored waiting on him. The work went quickly enough with a giggly monster nipping his nose playfully back, and soon enough the first tray of pies went into the oven and they started all over again.

Even working together, baking it all took forever, and Q was feeling quite done in after rolling out more rounds of dough than he wanted to count. Still, when he tasted his first warm, flaky, golden-brown fruit pie, Q felt that it was well worth the effort. The spices were mild, but the honey flavour was stronger than he expected, coating the fruit and filling his senses with the essence of summer. The pie had mixed berries inside: strawberries, blueberries, and a sneaky couple of deliciously tart gooseberries that made the rest of the flavours all the sweeter.

Q sighed happily as he washed the last bite down with the tea Bond had kept properly filled all afternoon. "You were right, that was well worth the effort," he said, giving Bond a soft kiss on one weathered cheek.

He rather thought he'd never seen his monster looking quite so happy with his clothes on.

* * *

After the last bite of peaches and creamy cheese, Q was feeling utterly knackered, despite it being barely past dinnertime. "You've worn me out," he said, flopping into Bond's lap.

Bond caught him with a laugh. "I'm going to pamper you properly, now that my helpful assistants have kept the baking from taking all night." He shifted Q a little and then lifted him up, carrying him past the living room and into the bathroom. He set Q on the edge of the tub and got the tap running, then stripped him carefully out of his dirty socks and messy clothes. "I thought I might demonstrate one of the advantages of having a boyfriend with gills, if you don't mind skipping the bath foam."

Q blushed and squirmed, feeling his cock starting to fill just at the thought of it. "I really don't mind," he said, very glad once again that he'd gotten the flat with the big tub. Bond stripped off his own things and put all the dirty clothes into the hamper, shutting the door on their pets before joining Q in the water. The tub wasn't quite big enough for two, really, but they'd never minded before, and Q certainly wasn't complaining now.

"You're really sure?" asked Bond one more time. Q cupped Bond's face in his palms and kissed him, trying to will away the uncharacteristic uncertainty in his eyes.

"Mates are forever, love," said Q. He kissed his nose impishly and added, "Not to mention underwater blowjobs."

"I don't know why I ever worried," said Bond with a wry chuckle. He manhandled Q so he was sitting up more, taking less of Bond's weight, then shifted both his form and his body until he was the sleek, dense monster Q had seen only a few times before. Bond had webbed fingers and toes turning to smooth, sharp claws, and shark-like fins on the sides of his thighs and the backs of his ankles. His hair was a short bristle of wet blond over a thin-lipped face, with a mouth wide enough to worry anyone who saw the rows of sharp teeth inside. But he still had the same hopeful adoration in his eyes, and when he kissed Q again, though the physical sensation was different, it gave Q the same mix of love and lust and sweetness as before.

"There you are, my beautiful monster," said Q, rubbing noses once again. He rubbed his fully hard cock against Bond's smooth stomach, too, the skin thicker than a human's though, thankfully, not rough like a shark's. His mouth was still mobile enough to kiss Q insensible, though they both had to be careful of the teeth, and his tongue surprised Q by being longer and more flexible than before, the surface soft as velvet. Q moaned into the kiss, rutting up more, and Bond pulled away looking flushed and and dark-eyed with want.

"May I, Q?" said Bond, nuzzling at him.

"Christ, please, my mate," said Q, pushing him gently downward. Bond moved, which meant he was willing; like this, he could be an implacable rock of a man, bones dense and muscles locked against whatever wanted to dislodge him.

Bond made a happy sound as his tongue flicked out to taste Q's cock, winding around the head completely while his lips engulfed Q's shaft. There was no hint of those wicked teeth, though the shiver of danger in it added to the thrill, as did the soft brush of gills against Q's inner thighs as Bond switched his breathing entirely to underwater. Bond's tongue was doing things Q had never felt before, pulsing around him as Bond sucked and swallowed, finding all of Q's sensitive spots and hitting them without having to even bob his head. He just stayed where he was, sucking and swallowing, breathing through his gills and massaging Q's cock with his tongue until Q's balls started to draw up.

"Fuck, fuck, I'm going to, oh god, that's," Q was babbling, only half aware of himself as he writhed under the alien, perfect touch of his monster's mouth.

Bond swallowed him deeper, throat doing something that Q didn't really want to think about as his claws slid ever so gently up from Q's arse to the backs of his knees. Q arched up and away and deeper, his orgasm set off with the same precision Bond could employ with a gun or a bomb. When he chose, anyway.

When Q slumped back down into the water, he was breathless and grinning, fingers shaking as they found Bond's short hair and stroked clumsily through it. "You are going to do that again," he said, still panting. "Just, not, not every time. But again."

Bond grinned and kissed up his stomach and sternum, throat and chin and finally mouth. "Whenever you like, my mate."

Q let out a purring sound into the kiss, wrapping himself around Bond. "I need a soak now, though, I'm wrung out and done in."

Bond chuckled. "Massage instead? I'll use my normal fingers, promise. I can't open you with these, anyway," he said, teasing the claws over Q's skin again, not leaving a single mark.

"That tongue, though," said Q with a happy sound.

Bond threw his head back and laughed, growing smaller and more human as he did so, hair longer and skin taking on its normal topography, including the age-lines Q had learned to love as a sign that his monster was a survivor. "Later, love," he promised, giving Q another kiss.

Q smiled against his mouth, glad that Bond finally understood that Q trusted him, loved him, and accepted all of him, monster and man.

* * *

The hand pies were popular on Sunday, with everyone arrayed around the living room and Andy being spoiled rotten with petting and bites of fruit. In addition to Moneypenny, there were Colin and Anne, and 003 as well, who agreed to be Bond's groomswoman while Eve was Q's. 003 finally asked them to call them by her name, Jedda, though everyone still called James 'Bond,' including Q. Some habits were too ingrained.

"All right, so who can officiate a wedding with a monster?" asked Q, snuggled up with Bond and sipping his tea. Sunna and Sekhmet were sprawled over Colin and Anne, though Sunna was eyeing Moneypenny's empty lap curiously, since Jedda's was currently busy with Andy.

"M can do it," said Eve, following it up with a clicking noise that brought Sunna leaping over to her for petting. "He made sure I knew."

"So he wants to do it," said Bond with a chuckle. "All right, well, that's one fewer guest. If you two are our groomswomen, then who else needs to come?"

"Icome!" said Andy, bending back to stare at them upside-down, hanging from Jedda's shirt like a bat. "Cancome?"

"It would limit the guest list," said Q thoughtfully, "but that's not a bad thing."

"It would make a better ring bearer than the cats," teased Colin, hands buried in Sekhmet's fur. He let Anne feed him a bite of pastry with no sign at all that it bothered him, which made Q very proud indeed. Anne had confided to him a few weeks ago that she wanted to get Colin moved in sooner than later, which made their affection all the more pleasing to see.

"All right, so Anne and Colin and Tanner," said Q, and then he laughed. "Honestly, since I can't invite any of the rest of my minions, that's really it for me."

"We'll cater a party down in Q-branch after the honeymoon," said Bond, kissing his hair. "That'll mollify the geeks."

"So, you'll have to invite Muriel," said Jedda thoughtfully. "Who else?"

Bond sighed. "Alec, absolutely. This M won't care he's still alive. He's been out too long now to get drawn back in."

Jedda snickered. "If you're going to invite Alec, you have to invite May," she said. "That makes three on each side, which is enough of an excuse not to have Xenia or Honey."

"Alec as in the previous 006?" asked Q, trying very hard not to feel completely despairing at the idea of not one but three of Bond's monstrous exes at his wedding.

Bond nibbled his ear. "He chose to leave us, fade into shadow," he said, mostly for Q's benefit but loud enough for the room to hear. "He let himself get seduced by empty promises and went to lick his wounds."

"Same for May Day and Muriel," said Jedda. "Not all of Bond's exes have died. A few of them just faded into shadow. Muriel's still active, but she's choosier about who she takes freelance gigs from these days. Alec had a stash of identities, and is in the wind, but we can send the invitation through shadow. May's doing all right. I saw her a few years back. She's easy to get ahold of, still does wetwork sometimes, for the right clients."

"What are they like?" asked Q, too curious about the monsters to let his trepidation get in the way.

Bond chuckled. "Alec's like some kind of bird-lion thing. He can fly, and his eyes are a beautiful gold."

"But he's also an arsehole," said Moneypenny. "Worse than Bond for lighting things on fire he wasn't supposed to burn. More civilian casualties."

"And he turned on us," said Jedda. "But later we found out he'd been injured and not reported it. It's healed somewhat now, but his flying isn't up to snuff anymore."

Bond nodded. "He'll never be back to full strength, I don't think." He sighed and kissed Q's hair. "You'd like him, though. He always was a charmer. We still have contact sometimes."

Q sighed and kissed his mate. "All right, yes. Show me off to your ex-monsters. But tell me about May?"

"She's terrifying," said Jedda. "Gorgeous as a supermodel, strong and slim, and her beautiful mahogany skin turns into the void and she grows and grows, stretching out tall and clawed and all out of proportion." She shuddered. "Very effective."

"Also six eyes, only two of which stay put," said Bond. "Her touch is cold as the void, too, and her claws are sharp as a paper cut." He sounded fond, though, which made Q shake his head and huff.

"It figures you'd love the scary ones," he said. "Why didn't you keep her?"

"She didn't want to be kept," said Moneypenny. "Nearly killed him, but in the end her boss tried to kill them both and they parted amicably enough."

"By which she means that she helped foil his plot and we both escaped through shadow," said Bond. "And then she found Zorin drowning and got her revenge."

"I had wondered why you weren't worried we never found the body," said Jedda. "I guess he was shark bait after all."

"Shark bait ooh-ha-ha!" said Q, Colin, and Andy in unison, making everyone crack up laughing and shifting the mood of the room back to celebratory.

Bond chuckled. "Yes, all right. So, we don't need a big space, but we can't do it at six or here."

"We'll make the arrangements," said Eve. "Give Colin whatever form of payment you want to use, and he and I will get everything for the venue taken care of."

"What are we gonna wear?" asked Jedda, looking dubious for the first time.

Q laughed. "Oh, god, you two pick. On us," he said. "Bond and I will do our suits. Well. He'll do it and I'll let him."

"We should get a proper wedding cake for the Q-branch reception, and a smaller one for the real wedding," said Colin, looking very hopeful. "And maybe I can come along to cake tasting?"

Andy trilled hopefully, then sighed as Jedda rubbed its belly.

"Yeah, go ahead," said Q. "You and Bond schedule that, and we'll do a proper tasting and bring home some treats for Andy."

"Yaytreats," said Andy, sounding very content indeed.

Jedda sighed. "I might need a pet after all," she said, smoothing one small hand over its belly. "Do you think if Andy made it, it'd be of its disposition?"

"Maaaaybe," said Andy, though it sounded neither particularly happy or unhappy about the prospect, just uncertain. "Dunno, all different."

Colin finished his cuppa and transferred Sunna's bulk entirely to Anne. "I'll make more tea, but if someone else gets a flying monkey first, I might cry."

"I mean, we could try to keep Colin's space for him," said Jedda dubiously, "but that's a lot, with Q's office and Six, as well."

Bond sighed good-humoredly. "We'll talk about it later. We have to see if we can make another that's as sweet as ours, first," he said, wiggling his fingers at Andy.

Andy made a happy sound and launched itself over to snuggle up to Bond. "Wouldtry. If."

"We'll talk, pet." James and Q spent a moment both snuggling Andy close, and then it sequestered itself in Q's cardigan, apparently ready for a nap now that it had been sufficiently admired. "We could give theirs space here, extra cat beds, so they can come here or your office if they're lonely or need to give alarm."

Q huffed a laugh. "You're terrible, James Bond. You know I'd love for there to be more flying monkeys like ours, and fewer made of shadows and claws and hate."

"Gooooodhome," trilled Andy sleepily.

"Well, that aside," said Moneypenny, pulling out her tablet, "how soon are we talking about?"

* * *

Once everyone was gone and the flat tidied up, Q draped himself over Bond and nibbled his ear. "I know I fell asleep last night," said Q, "but I'd like to finish what we started." Bond had given him an exquisite massage and come sliding between his well-oiled arsecheeks, then cleaned him back up again and put him to bed, joining him once the nightly chores were taken care of. He'd appreciated it at the time, but now he was ready for more.

"I'd like that, too, love." Bond kissed him deeply, hands roaming over his body, cupping his arse, and finally lifting him up into a proper carry. "You need to know I appreciate all of you, too."

"Oh, I already knew that," teased Q, hanging on and letting himself be carried. Bond was already a little thicker, body beefed up to make the manhandling easier, and Q's heartbeat was picking up in a decidedly Pavlovian manner. "If you'd wanted a monster, you'd never have made me your mate."

Bond purred and nuzzled him, the noise a deep rumble in his broadening, thickening chest. "You're the only one for me, darling."

"You know you're my one and only," purred Q back, comfortable enough by now with the way they'd begun to use his monster's instincts against him. "I'll never know another."

Bond growled.

Q found himself flat on his back in bed, pressed oh so carefully under the weight of a fully monstrous James Bond, face smooth and sharp and just a touch broader, thin lips pulled back to show those sharp teeth that always gave Q a little thrill of delicious danger. His eyes were double-lidded and a deep blue like the darkest oceans, pupils wide with desire. His bristly hair was still touchable, reminding Q of a three-day scruff of beard. Bond stripped off his shirt, baring his broad chest, delicate gills, and more muscles than were actually possible, had he still been human. He still had nipples, strangely, and Q stretched up to lick one, tasting the salt of his skin and getting a surprised noise of pleasure from Bond.

"You really don't mind me like this," said James, voice as rough as his clawed, webbed hands were gentle where they stripped Q of his clothing without a single snag. His own went after, and Q got his first look at Bond's cock in this form.

"I really, really do not," said Q, hands going straight down to fondle and explore. Bond's balls were closer to his body, smoother, and even here, he had more of a layer of muscle beneath the skin. His cock was thicker even than before, tapering more to a smooth head with extra flexible ridges below it rather than a foreskin, making a lovely pattern that Q ran his fingers over curiously.

"Fuck," said Bond, with great feeling. "Q, christ, I'm sensitive there."

"It's going to feel amazing inside me," said Q. He pushed and Bond went, sitting back against the headboard so Q could curl like a kitten and explore with his mouth, too. Bond didn't taste any different, really, maybe a little saltier, slightly less musky, but still his lover in essence. He hadn't any hair there, which was actually quite nice, and Q sucked and licked and pressed teasing kisses, finding the ways in which this version of his mate's cock was sensitive, the ways he liked to be touched.

Bond's claws found their way into Q's hair, scratching gently against his scalp while the webbing pushed his curls flat instead of letting them stick up between Bond's fingers. "I don't want to go off too soon, love, but you can play a little more."

Q beamed up at him. "You know the way to my heart," he said, chest tight for a moment at the trust and love he'd earned from a man like Bond. He showed his appreciation by sucking down the first few inches of Bond's cock, enough he could suckle and toy with those intriguing ridges, but not so much he'd have to devote brain space to breathing. With the way the ridges bumped against his lips and tongue, Q was very eager to have his chance to ride them, and he hummed in happy thought as he slipped his tongue against the spot where they all came together in front, just below the head.

Bond's breath caught, and when Q did it again he let out a low groan. "Christ, figures you'd, fuck, best not, t-too much."

Q hummed again, very pleased indeed, and turned his attention to the rest of that soft head, smoothing his tongue over it, finding the texture not so different from usual after all, despite the smaller, more pointed shape. Q let out another happy noise and pulled off, sighing. "All right, now I believe that I have a date with your tongue?"

Bond was surprised into a breathless laugh, and he pulled Q up as though he weighed no more than a cat. "Clearly I've only been denying us both our fun," he said, slipping his hands down Q's back, palms hot and smooth, webbing barely cooler, and claws a thrilling tease. He cupped Q's arse cheeks, spread them, and just held him there open while they kissed and kissed.

Finally, Q couldn't take another moment of it and he pushed at Bond's shoulders playfully. "James, please," he whined, not bothering to hide how badly he wanted it, how wound up Bond had him.

"Yes." Bond flipped them over and laid Q out on the bed, making a little nest of pillows and blankets with Q cradled in the middle. "My mate," he growled, grazing those sharp teeth over Q's collarbone, prickling at a nipple without breaking the skin, closing ever so gently over the soft part of his stomach in a silent promise. He wrapped his tongue around Q's cock for one teasing lick, then folded him in half and got that tongue where it belonged.

Q keened at the slide of it against his hole, so different from any other touch he'd experienced. Bond palmed his arse, spread him wide without catching skin on those wicked claws, though in truth he could scratch Q bloody and he'd still be focused on the tongue working its way up inside him. Bond didn't bother to warm him up more than he already was, and that long, velvety tongue had no trouble coaxing his arse to open up for it.

Q slid his fingers into Bond's hair, the dense bristles sliding against his palm in another tease of new sensation. He knew he was making the most embarrassing noises but he also couldn't seem to stop himself as Bond worked his tongue deeper. Q was practically riding his face now, trying to get more of the thick, slick appendage inside him, and he would later be unsurprised to realise that he came at the first touch of Bond's sharp teeth against his tender skin.

Q whimpered as the tongue slithered back out of him, leaving him empty and panting. "Fuck," he said, with great sincerity.

"That's the plan, yes." Bond smirked down at him, leaning in to lick up the spilled seed, making a show of the length of his tongue instead of hiding it demurely behind his teeth as he apparently had been all this time. "I'm going to ruin you."

"Already have," said Q, stroking loving fingers over Bond's face. "Never want another."

"Good," said Bond, eyes dark with lust. Q wasn't sure why he'd ever thought them flat or cold like this, not when their heat was burning through him, reigniting his own lust as surely as the weight of Bond's body settling over his. "Tell me when you're ready," he said, then kissed Q so thoroughly he nearly forgot what he was supposed to be ready for.

Bond took his sweet whimpers and pleas as permission, anyway, or perhaps it was his renewed erection, rubbing up against Bond's smooth stomach. Either way, Bond got his cock slick and started working that fat length into Q, one shallow thrust at a time. He paused for far longer than necessary when it was just past the head, teasing them both with those ridges sliding in and out of the tightest, most sensitive parts of Q, stimulating his rim until he was squirming and begging.

Bond gave a deep thrust all the way in, the girth at the base forcing Q open further than ever before. He was too turned on for it to hurt, but it stretched him to the limit, taking him to the very edge of pain while still bringing him pleasure that shivered up his spine.

"B-big!" gasped Q, clutching at Bond with blunt fingers, ankles hooking around extra-broad hips. "Fuck, that's, fuck."

Bond kissed him, teased him with his wicked tongue, and thrust shallowly again with just the fattest inch going in and out of him. He wasn't really longer like this, but the ridges rubbed Q inside and the width made him breathless, put him entirely at Bond's mercy. Q shivered and went limp-bodied, arms over his head in perfect surrender, though he kept his legs up and feet tucked against Bond's fine arse. 

"Oh, yes," breathed Bond, the words sliding against Q's throat like a caress, followed by the lightest scrape of pointed teeth. Bond's hands slid up Q's arms and trapped him, and Bond pulled back to look at his lover, so open and wrecked beneath him. "Mine."

Q barely had the breath to cry out, "Yours!" as Bond began to fuck him in earnest. The shape of Bond's cock made it a different experience than usual, opening him wide at the deepest and teasing his greedy opening at the shallowest point of each motion, making him tighten around those ridges until he was shoved wide open all over again. His second orgasm was building slowly but implacably, one relentless thrust at a time.

Q lost track of everything but Bond, inside him on top of him and pinning him, hands and hips and cock making Q his own, tongue sliding into his mouth, along his lips, anywhere he could reach. His pleasure built and built until he came just like that, adding more come to the sweat sheened over his torso. Bond rode him through it until he didn't have a single drop left in him, until it felt like the tips of his toes and the roots of his hair were tingling with it, and then finally let go with a deep growl that rumbled through the room like thunder. He buried himself in Q to the hilt and filled him with seed, the smooth, fat base spreading Q wide as he shivered in sympathy.

"You're so beautiful, my monster," said Q, trailing trembling fingers over Bond's cheek as soon as Bond let him go.

Bond shot him a surprised look and then broke into a huge, toothy grin. "I'm very glad you're marrying me, my darling, or else I'd be tempted to whisk you away to the ends of the earth to keep you as my own."

Q laughed and pulled him in for a kiss. "No whisking required. All you had to do was love me."

"I do. You taught me how," said Bond, serious now, his whole body slowly fading back to human as his cock softened and slipped from Q's body. "I always will."

Q kissed his full lips with sweet adoration. "I love you, too, James." A yawn caught him by surprise and he giggled. "Now, clean me up, please?"

James laughed. "As you wish," he teased, having recently been subjected to _The Princess Bride_ on one of their story nights.

Q knew what he meant, but he licked his nose anyway.

* * *

When they arrived at the bakery, Q was impressed by the fact that it was clearly a tiny business that did nothing but bespoke cakes. There were no displays, only a frosted glass storefront leading to an elegant waiting area that was currently set up with seating for six, including a steaming tea service.

"Our fifth had to cancel," said Eve smoothly, "but we were hoping we could take theirs home?"

"Of course," said the baker. "You're the maid of honour?"

"Eve's my groomswoman," said Q, coming forward to shake hands. "I'm Quentin, but my friends call me Q."

Bond snickered at the ridiculous charade; they all knew his real name, but respected his desire to go by Q.

"You can call me Rose," she said, politely ignoring Bond's antics.

"I'm James, and this is my groomswoman, Jedda," he said, gesturing to 003. They all shook hands and took their seats while Rose played mother, pouring for everyone in elegant china that fit the rest of the decor despite not really matching.

"Eve said you had some unusual requirements for delivery?" she asked, sitting down. 

A moment later, another baker came out, this one a young man with gorgeous brown skin and anxious eyes. "Belgian chocolate first?" he asked more than told, gesturing to his tray with five miniature cakes all perfectly iced and ready to eat.

"Yes, but box one of each," said Rose, giving his arm a pat before she turned back to the group. "Anh will be serving us today."

"Thank you," said Q, accepting his plate with a smile. "And yes, we're having two celebrations, one that'll be smaller and want the more elegant cake, and another at work where we'll want a lot of smaller cakes to hand around, but they don't have to be so elaborate."

"But a centrepiece for the party at work might be nice," added Bond, giving Q a fond look. "Budget's not the problem."

"Delivery at work will require a security check," said Eve. "We work at MI6."

"Oh, my," said Rose, and Q was privately glad that Anh had already vanished to box up Andy's cake. "Well, we should be fine, we're not exactly spies here."

"You checked out on the first pass," said Eve with a gentle smile, so much kinder than the rest of them could even pretend to be. "You'll be delivering to the geeks, anyway. Q works in IT."

"We wanted a very small, private ceremony," said Bond, kissing Q's hair fondly, "but Q wanted to celebrate with his fellow nerds."

"Oh, will we do a geek theme?" asked Rose, perking right up.

Eve shot Q a triumphant look. "I'd hoped you might be willing, yes."

"We're all fans, believe it or not," said Bond with a little smirk. "Q's been hosting movie nights to bring us over to the geek side."

Q laughed, giving him a proper kiss. "And look at you now, making _Star Wars_ jokes like a proper nerd."

Jedda chuckled. "The enthusiasm is pretty appealing," she said, shooting Rose a look that Q tried not to interpret as flirty. "They both really like _Doctor Who_ , of course, but _Lord of the Rings_ is also a big one."

"Oh, maybe something elven?" said Rose, looking very hopeful indeed. "Or dwarven, maybe."

"Rivendell elves, please," said James, making Q giggle. "I like their aesthetic best."

"You're a hobbit at heart, though," Q teased. "But yes, the Rivendell elves from the movies, that would be a perfect theme." He finally picked up his fork and allowed himself a bite, sighing as the rich chocolate flooded his palate, buttercream and sponge in perfect, dark harmony. "Oh, this one is lovely."

"We'll want an assortment for the geeks," said James, looking fondly at Q before digging into his own cake. He paused, bite ready, and said, "Maybe you can do something with the designs, there, different races for each flavour so people know what they're getting."

"That'd be more expensive, but really a delight to do," said Rose, happily enthusiastic. She watched unobtrusively as everyone nibbled at their samples. "Any special dietary requirements?"

"Divya will need a gluten-free cake, but we can get her to choose a flavour," said Q. "No vegans, though."

"Any allergies? Though I don't think chocolate peanut butter was on your list, anyway," she said, making notes on her iPad.

"Doesn't that one guy have a thing about strawberries or something?" asked 003. "Anderson?"

"No strawberry flavours, got it," said Rose, businesslike as she checked her notes. "There's the pistachio one, though, so double check on nut allergies if you choose it, please."

"We will," assured Eve. "So, the first cake only needs to feed a dozen people, but these two would probably like a top tier to save, and the bottom one ought to be big enough for leftovers."

Rose relaxed back into a smile. "That's always wise. Will you have a cake topper for me to incorporate?"

Q shook his head. "No, we decided against it. I would like some kind of water palette, though, blues and silvers."

"That fits with the general aesthetic," said Rose. "And your fiancé's eyes."

Q smiled over at Bond fondly, thinking more of his monster form than his human eyes, and he could tell by the pink at the tips of Bond's ears that it was obvious where the inspiration came from. "That sounds perfect." He set down his plate and took a sip of tea, sighing at the good, strong Assam. "Oh, that's lovely, too."

"And how many geeks will we be feeding the day after?" asked Rose. "Normally we recommend each small cake to feed four guests. Is that all right?"

"Oh, we'll want one per," said Bond. "They can trade off if they want to try all the flavours that way." He'd made his entire slice vanish already, as had 003, while Q and Eve had each stopped at about a third of theirs. Each sample cake was a 3-layered cube at least six inches to a side and covered in rich buttercream, and Q wanted room for a good taste of all of them.

"Let's say about 60? That'll be good for any number of flavours from three to six," said Eve. "Plus a showpiece, because I can tell James wants one."

"Do that one as the Mirkwood elves," said Q, thinking of Thranduil's branching crown and a cake covered in leaves and flowers. "We can have two top tiers to keep that way, one for each of us."

"So the same size cake for the centrepiece as for the first one?" asked Rose, sounding happily surprised that this small wedding party was turning into a large order. "That way you can save the top tier and cut up that cake as a bonus when all the smaller ones have been claimed."

"That sounds perfect," said Bond, once again quelling Q's budgetary concerns. Project Monster came with a very impressive pay packet, and between that and Bond's inheritance, they would never hurt for cash. With a tiny wedding, even buying everyone's outfits had barely made a dent, but Q was far more used to doing without. "And if you think of a design that feels too complex for the budget you've sent us, call me directly and I'll approve more."

Q chuckled. "As you can see, I'm very spoiled." He leaned into Bond's familiar solid warmth, finding himself marvelling all over again that he wasn't worried at all about monsters in the kitchen or shadows in the corners, but instead about whether or not they'd break five figures on cake. "We're having a very small ceremony and no proper reception at all, and so James is determined to spend a giant wedding's worth of money on indulging my sweet tooth and his own fashion sense."

"I certainly won't object," said Rose, grinning happily now. "We can do a lot of really amazing stuff with enough of a budget, and I have to say, this is a very cool concept to work from. Honestly, it's a dream."

"Good," said James firmly. "That's what Q deserves, sweets made by someone who's always wanted to make them."

Q smiled fondly and kissed him. "Thank you, love."

Before they could get back into it, Anh came out with another selection, this one the saffron, cardamom, rose and pistachio cake. It was wonderfully exotic and fragrant, and Q loved it almost as much as the chocolate. The rose was subtle enough not to overwhelm the delicate saffron, and the crunch of pistachio in the filling made a delightful contrast.

After that came a salted caramel cake with salted caramel buttercream, which together they generally agreed was too cloying even with the salt to mitigate some of the effect. The burnt caramel taste wasn't bad, really, but the sugar with burnt sugar flavour didn't have enough else to make it anything but sweet.

A pink champagne cake was presented next, the sponge so delicate that Q really was reminded of champagne, and the buttercream suffused with the fragrance of fine drink. Both of the groomswomen swooned over that one despite the colouring, though Rose was quick to assure everyone that it could easily be decorated to match a theme. Q liked the softness of it, but felt it was almost not sweet enough, even after the previous one.

They got to try the same chocolate cake with the salted caramel buttercream after that. Q sighed happily when the dark chocolate cake cut the sweetness down to the right level. The salt was a lovely contrast when it wasn't so overwhelmed by the sugar, and everyone agreed that this one was a big improvement.

Fifth was the first one with something other than frosting, an almond cake with rose buttercream and a marzipan outer layer. Q and Jedda both agreed that the marzipan was a delightful addition, a sharp almond bite to contrast the nuttiness of the cake flavour and the fragrant rose in the buttercream. There was even a thin layer of rose petal jelly in the filling, and Q was very tempted to eat the whole thing right there.

He refrained, though, looking forward to the final serving -- a London fog cake that was flavoured with Earl Grey tea and vanilla.

"Oh, I want this one," said Q, nearly moaning at the delicate mix of flavours. The tea was much easier to taste than Q had expected, along with fragrant bergamot and enough good vanilla to support them both without overwhelming either. It wasn't too sweet and had a creaminess that made Q sigh in happiness at every rich bite. "I absolutely want this one for at least one of the centrepiece cakes."

"It's very you," said Eve. "I love it, but I still like the pink champagne best."

"I liked that rose marzipan," said Jedda. "But I also second the votes for pink champagne and tea both."

"And you?" asked Q, turning to James, who had eaten every crumb of all six.

James smiled and kissed him. "I liked that one with pistachios, just to be difficult," he said with a chuckle. "The marzipan one was good, too, and I'm happy with the tea one for the big cake on both. So what if we did pistachios on my topper and tea on yours, and then a middle layer that's pink champagne for the ladies?"

"All right, so London fog for the Mirkwood cake topper, and saffron for the Rivendell one," said Rose, getting nods from each of them. "A second tier with pink champagne on both cakes, and the biggest layer is London fog?"

"Perfect," said Q, giving in and not caring a bit that there was no way they needed three tiers for a dozen people, even if half of them were monsters. "It's far too much cake and it will absolutely all get eaten."

Everyone laughed at that. "Okay, so two big cakes, and 60 little cakes, divided equally among the five flavours?"

"And one small gluten free cake," said Q. "Divya isn't huge on sweets, so she won't mind just one, and if she does, we'll get her extras."

"And each flavour is a different theme," said Bond. "Both elves, plus dwarves, men, and hobbits."

"Perfect," said Rose, jotting all of it down. She raised her voice and called out, "Anh, bring out some boxes, we'll need ten of the small ones, and their extra cakes."

"Thank you so much for all of this," said Q, laying a soft hand over hers and giving her a sincere smile. "I should have known Eve would find the perfect baker for us."

Rose smiled right back. "It's a dream job, honestly, and I'm going to make you guys the best unnecessarily elaborate cakes ever."

There was a little more business with payment for the tasting, a deposit on the future cakes, and more contact information exchanged, but soon enough they were all back in Eve's sensible car and on the way home.

Q was already looking forward to the second part of the tasting, and seeing Andy's reaction to the whole selection of delicious cakes.

* * *

"Eatses yumyums!" cried Andy happily, floating toward them on a waft of shadow and pure enthusiasm.

Q laughed and caught it, so that Bond and his pile of cake boxes could make it safely to the kitchen. 

"He's been asking me when you'd get here every five minutes," said Colin, who'd agreed to wait for their second tasting so both of the groomswomen could meet the baker.

Q locked up and kissed Andy's head, thinking how much more comfortable he'd grown with the shadows in his flat, and in his life, than he had been before Bond muscled his way in and made a home there. And, for that matter, how Colin had gone from friendly coworker to close friend in the same span of time.

Q took the time to change clothes, holding Andy the whole time, which made them both laugh as the agile monster climbed from limb to limb so he could switch to pyjama pants and a t-shirt. He added a warm cardigan on top for Andy to snuggle into like a hammock. They emerged to find that Colin had made tea, and Bond had shed his jacket and shoes and plated all the cakes. Q gave him a warm kiss while they settled around the table to share all over again.

"We're going to have all five of these flavours to share at Q-branch, and we'll get you a small cake of your own, if you'd like," Q told Andy. "We'll only have three kinds at the ceremony, unless you want one of the others."

"One forme?" said Andy, three of its little hands over its mouth as it processed this wonder. It still had trouble, sometimes, with having its 'masters' do something nice for it, especially if it required extra effort.

"At least one, if you like," said Bond, leaning down to smooch its soft head.

"Besthome," it whispered, and then licked Bond's nose in revenge for the kiss.

Q cracked up laughing. Colin, for his part, just smiled happily while he made sure everyone had their preferred beverage.

They decided to play a game, and had Andy taste all the cakes and then try to decide which had been each person's favourite, once it had decided on its own. It took several bites of each, making happy noises over all of them, and finally pointed the saffron, pistachio, rose, and cardamom cake. "Isbest," it said, nodding firmly.

Q chuckled. "We'll make sure there's plenty for you, then," he said. One of the small sample cakes would be enough to keep Andy in cake for several days, so he'd call later to add a few extra to their order.

"Monster likes, too," said Andy, pointing to Bond. "Isgood."

James shrugged. "You've got me there. Can you guess which is Q's favourite?"

Andy immediately pointed to the tea one. "Stinky," it said, wrinkling its nose and giggling. "Teeeeea."

"Clever monster," teased Q, tickling its little belly. "And Jedda's?"

Andy made little thoughtful hums and chirrups, turning itself around in Q's cardigan like one of the cats. "Thatone?" it asked, pointing to the pistachio again.

"Close," said Q. "She likes almonds better." He had another forkful of that one and hummed thoughtfully. "It's growing on me."

Bond chuckled. "You like all of them," he said, leaning in to kiss Q's cheek. "Do you know which one Auntie Moneypenny liked?"

Q snorted at the nickname. "Don't you dare call her that in person," he threatened. "She'll start wondering if you can somehow give me babies."

"Noooooooo," said Andy with a giggle. "Pink."

"Is that a guess or a statement about babies?" asked Bond, unrepentant.

Andy giggled again. "Both!"

"The pink champagne was her favourite," said Q, "and there will be no babies of any gender."

"Nomore." Andy crossed four of its arms over its chest to pretend at stern, which set them all off in laughter.

"For the record," said Colin, licking another bite of cake off his fork, "I agree with Q about the London Fog, but Anne will want chocolate."

"I'll make sure it's taken care of," said Bond, pulling out his phone. Q snagged his tablet to email Divya, trusting her not to spoil the surprise for the rest of Q-branch.

Q had no idea what his life would bring next, but at least he had good friends and wonderful monsters to share it with.

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of the random name-dropped exes are Bond Girls or Bond Villains from previous movies, but don't show up in this. If I ever find time to write the wedding, though, we'll get to meet two more monsters!
> 
> DO NOT add my fic to Goodreads. Hoe don't do it. I'm just gonna bother some poor overworked tech support person to delete it and ruin your tbr list.
> 
> Just don't. Be good for Andy.
> 
> (also stay inside, keep your space, wash hands, and limit mouthpets (ugh))
> 
> Did you know there's PODFIC of much of this series?  
> <https://archiveofourown.org/works/16717683/chapters/39209341>
> 
> Go give liloliyrae some love!


End file.
